Damn, fear got me last week and I spent this week dealing with the shame of it.
For 2 weeks I have done zero with my writing business. It doesn’t make sense. I want this. I want this more than I can say, but I spent the last 2 weeks doing everything except writing
Fear showed up at my door last week and was relentless. Camped right out in my living room, ate my food, and watched Netflix all day. That guy convinced me that this was a mistake, I was completely wasting my time, and I would never succeed at this. I needed to just give up, get a job, and be done with it. It had me hook, line, and sinker.
I didn’t write a single word last week. Didn’t make a video post for my site. Heck, I didn’t even write in my journal. And you know what? I was miserable.
I knew in my logical mind that what fear was saying was crazy. I have only been at this a month. I gave myself 6 months. Why did I think I should be making 5 figures a month already? But it wasn’t my logical mind I was listening to. Fear can be a real ass sometimes.
BUT IT GETS WORSE
Once fear had me convinced that I was done with this whole thing, that bitch shame showed up. Shame, with her 10 suitcases, 12 cartons of cigarettes, and enough liquor to fuel Woodstock, always likes to come visit.
Those two jerks took over my whole house this week. They worked together to solidify the plan of getting me to quit this dream. To go back to what was easy and comfortable.
They almost had me.
I had let fear get to me and then spent this week dealing with the shame of not doing a video last week. Not writing a single word last week. That I’m not already making thousands of dollars doing this. That I wasn’t perfect and the best. They almost got me too.
ALMOST BUT NOT QUITE
I knew and I know that this is only a trick. Fear and shame love comfort. They love to be comfortable, snuggled under a blanket, eating ice cream, and watching TV. That is easy and fun for them. No worries, no responsibilities, and no concerns about being hurt or disappointed. But that isn’t what I want.
I want to be excited about learning something new. I want to do something I’ve never done before. I want to try something and fail but then try again. I want to be uncomfortable for a while. I want to push myself and be disciplined. I want to keep going at something that isn’t working out right away. I don’t want easy. I want to know I tried.
Because I know these things, fear and shame don’t get to stay. They’re pretty mad about it and have been swearing up a storm at me but they are packing. I haven’t gotten rid of them completely yet, but they also know there is a fight waiting for them with me.