I Suck at Being Back

28 Apr

It’s definitely been a minute. I have many and no excuses.

Let’s catch up, shall we?

I left my job that I hated. I am starting a job Monday that is in a cubicle like my last job, and also is the same work like my last job, but it pays better and has more hours. I didn’t mind the work of what I will be doing at this new job at my last job, but what I did mind about my last job were the other responsibilities that fell on me because they didn’t produce enough volume for my actual job title. So there’s that.

My friend had major surgery yesterday. I am hoping I’ll get to see her this evening sometime. No word yet. She says she’s in a lot of pain which I don’t doubt whatsoever.

I finished my theatre class. Turned in my final, did all my lessons, now I’ll be anticipatingly* checking blackboard for my final grade. I have no doubt it will be an ‘A’, but I really want to know what I get on my final because it was an essay.

I’ll write more when I have more to write.

Ciao.


*Anticipatingly should be a word. Or at least Anticipantly.

F.A.F — Flighty as Fuck

25 Feb

Guess who’s back. Me, precious! I was talking to my mother the other day on one of our evening walks and I said aloud how I have been feeling and thinking all this time in my adulthood. I have never become established because I am flighty as fuck.

I make a choice to do something and I abandon it before I begin. I want to go to school, I want to major in English – No – Neuroscience – No – Computer Science – No – English – Wait, maybe I can photograph things and people….

What the ever-loving fuck??

I’m pure and simple burning rubber without getting anywhere and I wish it would stop. I can’t keep up with me anymore and I don’t want to.

Lena Dunham: Her words about abortion.

21 Dec

I was driving myself to work and listening to the latest episode of Lena Dunham’s podcast, Women of the Hour. I really related with something she was saying about abortion until the words coming out of her mouth made my face squinch*. Lena Dunham ended her part of the pro-choice talk segment saying she wishes she now had an abortion. Which without context sounds horrible and even with context — and understanding her sentiment behind the words — still borders on horrible.

What Lena** was talking about was how she always felt very pro-choice, but still inside of herself held the stigma a large part of society tries to instill in us. That being, abortion is bad or is murder. Example, if the topic got brought up and Lena was asked if she had had an abortion before, she would respond immediately, No I have NEVER had one. She realized she was holding herself separate from the people*** she was trying to fight for and she discovered she would have to strip that stigma from herself. Now she doesn’t feel that stigma inside so she basically said she wishes she had experienced one so she could empathize better with the people she fights for.

So intellectually I understand what she was saying, but I still wouldn’t wish for something like that. I am pro-choice. I think abortion should be safe and legal everywhere.

But I still hold something in me that relates to the stigma Lena was talking about.

I wouldn’t choose to abort. I think every person has the right and should always keep the ability to be able to choose what they do with their bodies and their lives, but my personal choice wouldn’t be to abort. And I find that hard to explain to people when the topic comes up. It is like Lena before her epiphany, I am separating myself from those who choose to end their pregnancies. I don’t mean to, but it’s my personal feelings.


*It’s underlined as not being a real word, but is in the North American dictionary. So there.

**We are cool like that and Lena Dunham’s full name typed throughout the entire article seems a little much.

***Gender non-specificity is the new politically correct. Respect the LGBTQ community.

Sunday Morning

18 Dec

I dislike feeling groggy. Especially in the mornings. I wake up half-dead and stumbling my way into the kitchen. I feel hot as I have recently discovered it is better to sleep with my long hair down instead of up. Not as frizzy or wispy.

I make it to the coffee machine and begin the somewhat tedious process of emptying the previous day’s coffee grounds and filling the container with eight cups of water. Yes, eight cups for one person. With a flick of a button, the machine begins to percolate. I go back to my comfy bed and open my laptop. I see my Facebook news feed, what’s trending, and catch up on some notifications. Back in the kitchen, four cups brewed, I pour my first cup of deliciously hot coffee. Back in my bedroom, I open up the “add new post” page of my WordPress blog. Something I always do, and yet never complete. I always want to write, but the words usually always fail me. No ideas, nothing to say, and so I stare at the blankness of the text box.

It’s been an hour since I woke and the next phase is to begin. I grab my towel and head to the bathroom to shower. I hang my towel on the bar, place my pajamas on the bathroom counter and brush my hair. I always think this will leave less clumps of my hair in the shower drain, nevertheless my loose hair fills the drain each time. I shampoo, rinse, condition, wash my face and body, rinse and turn off the shower. I squeeze out my hair and step out of the steam — bringing it with me. I dry off, wrap myself up, and head to my room to dress.

All dressed, two cups of coffee in, I am ready to do my makeup and hair. Sometimes I throw my hair in a sloppy bun, sometimes I leave it down and let it air dry, and rarely I blow it out.

Makeup is simple:

  • Moisturizer
  • Foundation
  • Eyebrows
  • Eye shadow
  • Eyeliner
  • Blush
  • Mascara

But sometimes I am even too lazy to do all that. Then it’s just:

  • Moisturizer
  • Eyebrows
  • Mascara

By this time the second hour has passed and I am on to phase three.

Pack up and ship out. I always need extra time to go to Walgreens for my water and Monster energy drinks. I get to work with 20-30 minutes to spare and I breathe. If I start any later than early, it throws off my whole day.

We all have our rituals.


Prompted by the book The Five Minute Writer by Margret Geraghty

Body Positive

30 Nov

I am overweight and I still love me. I hear from a friend this is a rare concept so she supposed I blog about it. People think it’s because I don’t see myself. I never had a weight issue growing up so I must mentally see the body I had then. That’s not the case. I do see my weight, it just has no bearing on how I feel about myself. I wish I could share this great secret so many could start feeling positive about themselves and loving who they are, but it feels so innate that I cannot pinpoint why I’m not obsessive about my weight or bummed out by not having that “bikini bod.”

And though I can be body shamed by others in little ways. Like them dropping their jaws when they hear I’m okay with how I look or I feel fine about my body; it is only for a moment and it is a mere question, I’m not supposed to be happy about me? That slight faltering in confidence lasts only a moment before I say, I’m not going to give them or society the power to dictate how I should feel. I’m just not. I FLAT OUT refuse.

So is there anything you’re fine or great with that society or people around you don’t understand? Or are you positive and confident about something and you actually know why and care to share? Spill it all, I’m listening.

The Anti-Thanksgiving Post

24 Nov

I’m not feeling so grateful, well I am underneath this darkened exterior, but I’m bitchy now so I leave you with this:

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